Porthole Magazine
July 1, 2005
Small Ships: He Said She Said

Matt: OK, here’s our challenge for the day: write about cruises without using a lot of fluffy adjectives or sounding like we’re shills for the cruise lines. You up for it?

Heidi: Bring it on.

Matt: Luckily, we’re talking about niche cruises, which are pretty fluff-free anyway. They’re, like, the cruise John Wayne would have taken if he took cruises.

Heidi: I think John Wayne would have been too big for some of these quirky little ships. Wasn't he like seven feet tall?

Matt: Six-foot four.

Heidi: Whatever. He never would'a fit on, say, American Canadian Caribbean Line's mini-ships. They weren't exactly designed for strapping actors with a swagger.

Matt: They were hardly even designed for me. I barely clear the ceilings.

Heidi: Then again, you don't go on a line like ACCL for the decor. It's where they go that matters.

Matt: Baaaaa! That sounded too much like a marketing line. Deduct two points.

Heidi: What are you, my mother or something?

Matt: Nope, just your conscience.

Heidi: Actually, I think Duke would have been more of a sailing ship guy, though he would probably have really liked the byob policy they have on ACCL. Mas tequila. Mas.

Matt: They do BYOB on the Maine Windjammer Association schooners too. There’s a big wooden chest out on deck where you can put your beer on ice.

Heidi: Yeah, and some of the Windjammer Barefoot ships in the Caribbean have that wooden keg of rum right up on deck by the bar. I’m getting thirsty just thinking about it.

Matt: Have you noticed how these he-said/she-said things always seem to come around to booze? What’s with that?

Heidi: Hmmm, I’m not sure. Lemme put down my martini and think about it. . . . Well, maybe it's just that a cruise on a small, interesting ship to some really cool place like Southeast Asia or the Galapagos is just totally intoxicating.

Matt: Ooh, good save.

Heidi: Think about it, of the zillions of cruises we've taken, which ones have really stuck? One of my most memorable was this great Star Clippers cruise out of Phuket. Here was this beautiful clipper ship sailing past these giant craggy rocks that just sort of burst up out of nowhere off the coast of Thailand. I'd never seen anything like it, and it was so remote. The only other sign of human life was an occasional fishing junk.

Matt: You’re talking about Phang Nga Bay, right? Where they filmed that James Bond movie The Man With the Golden Gun. See, it all comes back to old movie stars. Let’s play that game a while. What small-ship cruise line would, uh, Jimmy Stewart have liked?

Heidi: Hmmm. . . . Clipper? Nice and wholesome. I think they even have pianos on board.

Matt: I’m thinking more like Delta Queen Steamboat Company. Total Americana: Mississippi River . . . old-timey sternwheelers . . . men wearing sleeve garters. OK, how about Audrey Hepburn?

Heidi: Are you still in love with her? Well, I could see Audrey on SeaDream Yacht Club. Classy but cool, luxurious but not stuffy -- one of a kind. Hey, this is fun. Now where would you put, say, Clint Eastwood?

Matt: My crystal ball says a Columbia River cruise, maybe with Lindblad Expeditions. Very smart. Very history-oriented. Kayaks for getting some exercise. And he might even have time to stop off at the Full Sail Brewing Company in Hood River, Oregon, for a few beers. I hear Clint’s partial to beer. My turn again. Where would you put Jodie Foster?

Heidi: Now wait, could Clint hook up enough on a Columbia River cruise? He's not exactly the wallflower type, though I'd guess he'd be happy enough bringing his current wife -- who’s half his age, of course. . . . But OK, Jodie Foster. Another one of your celebrity crushes, huh? How about some high-end sailing ship. Maybe Sea Cloud. Sophisticated, but rustic.

Matt: I think I’d put her on a really small chartered ship. Maybe one of American Safari Cruises’ high-end, twelve-passenger yachts. Or maybe Alaska Charter Yachts. They offer adventure cruises on individually owned yachts and former fishing boats and research vessels. Very down to earth -- like Jodie. Let’s go back a bit for the next one: Clark Gable.

Heidi: Something manly and physical. Maybe Glacier Bay Cruiseline. He'd like the kayaking and zodiacs and all that up-close exploration -- though he seemed pretty social, in the nightlife sort of way. Ain't nothing like that on most of these small ships. Guess he could sort of strike a pose at the ship’s bar, whiskey in hand, and survey his fellow shipmates.

Matt: “Strike a pose”? What is he, Madonna? And we can forget her, ‘cause there ain’t no disco on these ships either.

Heidi: Thank god. Who'd want to take a cruise with her anyway? OK, moving on to someone really interesting, how abouuuuuut, Bill Clinton? Better yet, Bill and Hillary. What would they like?

Matt: I’m gonna split the difference on that one. Since Bill’s an ex-president, and ex-presidents are, like, ambassadors to the world, I’m gonna put him on a European river cruise on Peter Deilmann’s MV Mozart: classy interiors, an international ambience, big enough so there’s people to socialize with, and a great Danube itinerary. Since Hillary’s a New York senator we’ll have her stay in-state and do an Erie Canal cruise with Mid-Lakes Navigation: funky little boat, you sleep in hotels along the way, and the whole emphasis is on relaxation and New York canal history. Good PR for her.

Heidi: Yeah, and separate vacations makes perfect sense for them. I mean, how many nights do they actually sleep together? Though I see Hillary on something much more chatty and worldly, like Seabourn's annual three-night fall cruise out of New York. It sails up the Hudson and into Long Island sound, with a guest lecturer narrating the local history along the way. Very intelligent New York crowd, only 208 passengers, not to mention five-star food and service. Now, think there'd be a good small ship for Dubya?

Matt: Didn’t we already cover him? No, wait, that was John Wayne we were talking about. My mistake . . .